Admitting the truth: A look into my post partum depression!...Ugh..

Ok Steph... its time to come clean and get this monkey off of your back..

I never realized how serious and how crippling postpartum depression and anxiety is. Unfortunatly that's the way most people see it. Sometimes it passes but I didn't get so lucky I am almost 6 weeks postpartum and my anxiety, my thoughts, and my inability to control my emotions consumes me and quite frankly it is KICKING MY ASS. The worst part though, is the embarrassment and shame that I felt for something that is so normal and treatable.. I was so ashamed, I wouldn't even admit to myself that I am in a funk and I have made myself suffer for these 5 weeks and change..only confiding in one person.. but not even able to fully confide. I told Joslyn the gist of it but for the most part she has no idea.. Nobody does until now and I feel like I should share what im going through so that nobody else has to suffer. Its a horrible thing to have to face when you feel like you're alone and if I can help at least one new mother then I know its not for nothing..

My PPD not only came with the feelings of inadequacy and the weepyness it came with full on anxiety...the racing thoughts, the racing heart rate, the hallucinations.. but I hide it so well...I will be sitting completely still staring into space and in my mind I am having a panic attack and I will be completely disconnected from everything around me ...completely calm on the outside but on the inside CHAOS..UTTER CHAOS..
I have thoughts that range from.."ok when is this kids real mom gonna come take him away" or I will feel like my baby doesn't love me and in my head be listing all random ridiculous stupid reasons as to why my baby doesn't love me... to my most embarrassing thoughts... thoughts that my baby is evil.. and he was sent here by demonic forces or something and as soon as he gets strong enough he is going to kill me..
Im often afraid that he can see things that I cant and they'll scare him and I cant protect him.. sometimes I'm up all night worried that if I close my eyes when I open them something evil will be touching him or trying to hurt him.. I feel like there are demented spirits around me that follow me wherever I go stalking him and I and that want to hurt us...
I see people that aren't there and I know they're not there and I don't look directly at them but they are watching me and they know that I know they are there..
When you're having thoughts like these and you're trying to pray it away and you have no control over it all you can do is cry and be in fear even though you KNOW its not real.
Some days I think for hours and hours on scenarios how I could possibly accidentally hurt my baby.. I'll be afraid to pick him up because I'll drop him.. afraid to put him down because he'll suffocate...afraid to leave the room with him because I will bang his head into something.. I wont cook in case the oven blows up..I'm afraid to hold him because I'll squeeze him too hard and break his back..

So with all these petrifying thoughts I decided to man up, admit im not ok, and seek the help that I need.. I told Dana that I was seeking help and he feels bad that he cant be here for me to help me in my time of need, but honestly even if he was here with me to help me with his son and talk things out with me.. it would take the edge off but it wouldn't solve my problems.. Thank God Women and Infants hospital offers a wonderful resource called The Day Program where me and my baby can go and get the help that mommy needs to get out of this funk and connect in that special way that mommy and baby are supposed to.. Im doing this for me and because i love my son and it helps to know that i am not alone..

If you or some one you know needs help PLEASE PLEASE SEEK HELP nobody has to suffer alone! ...God Bless

this is cool

Im laying in bed while my baby takes a nap and im blogging from my phone.. I dont really have anything to say but i found this app in the market and figured i would download it... now i can blog more often whenever the urge hits me...Great!! maybe i'll create a more meaningful post later... after a nap woo!!

MotherDaughter..Oooh..

Thugnastii Is now a ThugMOMMY and I wouldnt have it any other way

Sometime in Mid March I found out that i was in fact pregnant and I was SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!..Nonetheless I knew I had to man up..I am pro-choice but I know abortion is not a choice I was ready to live with for the rest of my life.. so the decision to keep my baby was a no brainer on my part..

My mom was PISSED...First of all she never agreed with me moving away to Miami to live with my boyfriend while I was taking a semester off of school..And one could see why she would be worried, but the way she handled it was waaayyy wrong so we werent on good terms.. It was a rough patch of Many Many rough patches with us...She told me "stephanie you're too young you havent even finished school.. Its unfair and selfish of you to keep this baby, you can barely take care of yourself...this baby didnt ask to be born think about that"..From that statement on she was def against this pregnancy.. she was not a happy camper .. She was also upset that I had told my sister before her so she didnt talk to my sister for a few days...Shes good for doing childish things like that and its caused a lot of turmoil in our relationship.. Sometimes it makes me sad that we dont have that Mother Daughter BFF relationship like her and my sister do...but I Love her none the less...

I dont remember when exactly my mother and I started getting into it..Maybe I was upset at the fact that she forced me to move with her when I was like 10 and leave my dad. I have always been a daddys girl. So maybe subconciously I was a little bit bitter about that..And from a REALLY young age I had been through things and was exposed to things that no child should be exposed to.. So her making me move away from my home and where I felt safe and close to my dad, my protector, maybe thats where my anger towards her festered from.. At that point my grades were slipping I was hurting myself, inconspicuously showing her a lot of signs and she didnt see them and its not her fault but for some reason I think maybe I felt like it was...

At 15/16 is when our relationship was at its worse.. around my birthday my dad takes a yearly trip to Africa so its her and I left here to get on eachothers nerves and you know how teenagers are... I was doing all kinds of stuff that I SHOULD NOT have been doing ..I had a boyfriend who was 9 years older than me (that is not a relationship its abuse and I see that now).. I was still hurting myself.. I was dealing with A LOT of Demons and I didnt feel like she had helped me before so I wanted her to leave me the hell alone.. but she wouldnt.. she would try to yell at me until I would listen to her or she would do her normal "say things to put you down"...When she wants to hurt you she knows exactly what to say and she has said things no mother should say to a child..but I was called all types of stupid idiot no good for nothing...all that good stuff.. well she finally saw that I was hurting myself and wanted to know why.. I tried to open up to her about the abuse, not even all the abuse, just one incident, but she didnt want to deal with it so she stuck me in Bradley Childrens Hospital [The looney bin I called it at the time]until my dad came home.. To this day I have problems opening up to her and we do not communicate well with eachother.. Just the other night she told me that I shouldnt be surprised if my son grows up not knowing who his real father is and I should just raise him thinking that my dad is his father {HURTS}.. She also put the blame on me when she caught the H1N1 virus because I put stress on her with my pregnancy so she couldnt get rest and weakened her immune system..and if she is upset with my father I also get the backlash of that..she wont talk to me while shes not talking to him..

As Im getting older and starting to figure things out, I do not blame her for anything that has happened to me and I realize that my mother is human and she has her faults as does everyone else. We still have our spats.. especially during my pregnancy because her view on my pregnancy is that it was a mistake so I made my mess so I have to deal with it on my own..She went as far as telling people that I was homeless and she told me not to expect any help from her (which I didnt EXPECT anything from anybody) and dont ask her for help.. and I didnt... I will always respect her and appreciate her for being the best mother that she knew how to be..We dont have the type of relationship that I wish that we had but I will make the best of the relationship that we do have.. I will also acknowledge the fact that since the birth of my baby a lot has changed for the better...Baby steps I guess...

10 Things that offend the sh!t out of me...Aahh!

10. Guys that wear jeans tighter than mine.. gosh it makes me jealous ok ur buns look awsome

9. Ugly people that think they're hot...Really?...really...

8. Pepperoni areola's and pink nipples... i know u cnt help it but damn its creepy as shit

7. Girls with fat asses that cant dance...gosh you have learn how to do something with that shit gosh

6. Girls who wear shower caps in public...

5. People that stalk you in parties... I aint yo bitch nigga...

4. Du-rags with the cape... tuck that shit...really

3. www.hotghettomess.com.. although, it does entertain my life

2. Simon Cowels middle part and erect nipples

1. Penis haircuts

Does anyone else find this disturbing...AAh!

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I know im not the only one...ooh

ok so I happen to think quite highly of myself.. Dont get me wrong, i do have my insecurities..but lets face it, Im fucking awesome...i know some of you probably think the same thing...and if you dont i feel sorry for you..

Some would call me conceited... and i agree...doesnt make it true but i agree

Some tell me i think im better than some people... i agree again..doesnt mean its true but i still agree

So listen being the way i am gives me strong sense of self and confidence through the roof...things dont really bother me because i have my own perceptions of certain things...for example some one may call me a "fat ugly bitch" ...fat...no im not, im proportioned - heavy-set sure y not...ugly...haha ur a liar if u call me ugly...bitch... absolutely

its also a good thing because i never settle i know what i want and i get it and im quite voracious...anywho..doesnt matter i love myself...im honest... and i've been through more than enough and im over it no regrets no self pity and i take everything with a big fat smile

im a nice person but i sure can be vicious but u have to coax that part out of me

basically call me what u want ,doesnt phase me, im still me

kay ..so i said all that so that i can pose the question why arent more people like that...the world would be a much more interesting place

Guys Online and Rejection...Ugh..

Ok.. So this has happened to me on a few occations.. I have a personal profile to post pictures and keep up with distant friends or whatnot and NOWHERE on the page does it say looking for a date/boyfriend/buck fuddy.. and i'll get a message from a guy proffesing his love to me and telling me how beautiful i am and this that n the third which is sometimes flattering but most of the time is just lame and annoying, and i'll send back a polite "no thank you"...i get back a " ur ugly anyway.." or "bitch" and other things along those lines.. i mean i KNOW im not ugly ..a bitch...well, yeah i can be... but i dont understand its like an epidemic and sometimes it gets really nasty and so when i point out my observations they get offended...

exhibit A

V0racii0usKrii0la127 = me
lookn4luv08 = him

From: lookn4luv08 To: V0racii0usKrii0la127
Subject: how u doin...listen im not gonna come at you like these little boys do...ima be a real man...i wanna talk to u and get to kno u...and c wat can happen...wat u thnk?

From: V0racii0usKrii0la127 To: lookn4luv08
Subject: Re:no thank you


ur ugly anyway

not half as ugly as you ....u shouldnt be in public your face is offensive... now cut it out and take the rejection dumbass

plz i got all these chicks wantn me so fuck u fat ass lol

damn if u got madd chicks after u y r u lookin 4 love on bp ...maybe u should rethink ur logic ugh...what a loser!!...clearly u liked my fat ass stupid

i just liked ya tits

ur pathetic

ur fat and ugly

if im so fat and so ugly why does it eat you up inside that i rejected you... maybe because ur life is worth nothing and you're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life so you seek approval online where ppl dnt really see you ...btw did you ever find love in 08 haha...

i can see al chicks on my list

oh ok cool maybe one of them has self-esteem low enough to actually meet with you and u might just find love..

Anyway..you get the picture... So where was i going with this again..oh.. if you're putting yourself out there like that esp. with some one like me who CLEARLY is NOT lookn4love via internet or at all, and it CLEARLY says that on my page be prepared for rejection dont get all petty like a little pussy n go back n forth with me because i am vicious and i take low blows and if that makes me a bad person so be it. Dont be a dumbass read what i post before you come at me ...thats what its there for ...dont fall in love from my picture because looks can be decieving... and guys if this is you, please stop

!!wooyoooo!!!