Morning Lights..0O0hh!

One of my FAV things about waking up at the ass crack of the morning is seeing all the fun colors of the morning sun..they're so pretty all the oranges and pinks i look at them for a little while and then change my babys diaper..feed him and pass back out...by the time i wake back up most days its grey and cloudy and cold its kinda depressing but i look at my baby and reember the morning lights and i feel better again!

All Ive Got Are These Photographs...0OHH

I have kind of a passion...well not a passion, more of a hobby
I love to mess with pictures and make them look funky and now that I got my laptop back I decided to mess with my pictures as a way to deffer my anxious thoughts.. I find it very relaxing So last night i downloaded Picasa and I was up until about 5 messing with my pictures so I guess I'll share some of them...

Red H0T...0OoH..

My baby's mortal enemy....UGHHH

GAS!!!!...UUUGHHHH...

MY POOR BABY IT WAKES HIM UP OUT OF HIS SLEEP.. MYLICON HELPS A LITTLE BUT I FEEL SO BAD WHEN HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN AND ALL I CAN DO IS HOLD HIM AND DO HIS GAS EXCERSIZES... IT BREAKS MY HEART

My Love ..

He wants to talk so bad

DILEMAS DILEAMS DILEMAS....UUGHHH..

So I have a big decision to make...

I really need to go back to school but i started cosmotology school thinking ..I'll be able to do this and then I'll get a job and support my baby , its a pretty stable career and what not.. anyway, now im thinking if im going to pay all this money I should probably go to a 4 year school and get a degree instead of just a certification...nothing against cosmotology it is a great and fun career but I can do hair on my own time you know I should use my smarts in something, you know, more challenging that might give me even more job stability and something that I could start online because well..I have a 2 month old baby that Im raising and taking care of essentially by myself and I dont have 7 hours a day monday through friday to be away from the baby..I can barely get somebody to watch him for an hour so I can go for a walk or do some laudry ..so im looking for an online program to do..

Now my man is being deported and he wants us to go and live with him once he gets on his feet..but if I start a program now I wont finish for a couple of years so he wants me to just finish cosmotology so that I dont have to be away for that long.. and really I feel like he is being selfish..but I understand he doesnt want to be away from his son, he hasnt even met him.. but what about my education...that used to be so important to him too ..ugh I dont know what to do and I dont want to fight with him about it..but I feel like he doesnt even want to hear my reasoning he just wants to be with his son and I dont know what to do...UUUUGGGHHHHHH...

I've Graduated...Oo0HHH!!!!

Yes! ... I have graduated from the Women and Infants Day program..Its pretty sweet.
Im not going to say that im 100% back to normal..but im DEFINATLY feeling a great deal better.
I finally have the skills to cope with my anxiety and irrational thoughts. Its a long hard journey but I did it and im so proud of myself. I met some great people along the way and we were able to help eachother and I hope we all keep in touch and remain friends so that whenever one of us needs someone to talk to we already know and understand eachothers situations..I will see them on Wednesdays hopefully at our follow-up group and we can talk about all the progress we're making

Im so glad I did this for myself..as embarrassing as it was, my sanity is well worth all the tears and I can continue on in my journey to being the mother that i know i can be!

TRANSFORMERS....oo0oohh..&..ugghh

One of the main things that we discuss in group therapy is LOSS..
This may sound superficial, but one of my greatest losses that came with motherhood is MY BODY
Now, I was far from perfect but all in all I was pretty content with my body..I wouldnt have minded losing a pound[or 20]..but I liked the way I looked...NOW...NOW..

NOW....
 well let me start by saying this..I also enjoyed my pregnant body...some days I felt like a cow (mostly in the beginning awkward stage where I wasn't really showing, just putting on weight) ..but when I got my beach ball stretch marks and all I felt really beautiful and feminine.. The aftermath of all that beauty and femininity is not pretty and I am DETERMINED to get back into a shape that i'll be happy with...I never wanna be a size 2, thats not me..but I will get back my voluptuous  curves in all my right places!!

I  haven't even taken any pictures of my postpartum body because I do not like it!!

NO SEX.....UUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!

I AM HURTING!!!!... The next time I get some it will be over a year since I got any...Its rough but my will is strong and I know when I get it..its gonna be SO AMAZING..{mmm..mmm}.It always is with him...
He is THE BEST lover I have ever had and not that I've been with a bunch of guys but I've had enough to know who sucks and who doesn't. He reads my body like a book and I cant wait to GET IT INNN!!!

 

I never knew a love like this!...Aahh..=D

WITH ALL THE SH*T IM GOING THROUGH...THIS LITTLE ANGEL KEEPS ME GOING!!!

The END IS NEAR...AAAHHhhh

Since April 2009 my man has been LOCKED UP I went through pregnancy labor & delivery without him... He has only seen PICTURES of his baby boy..and now FINALLY the end is near!
The decision came back on his appeal and... HE IS GETTING DEPORTED.. Oh no.. Im not upset I am {[SOOOOOOO]} glad he is getting out of that sh*t hole he is in down in Texas next to Mexico and first chance I get me and my son are on the first thing smokin headed there TRINIDAD OR BUST...

PRAY FOR ME AND MY YOUNG FAMILY..THAT WE WILL SOON BE REUNITED!!

Grandpa spoils the baby...0OoH..

I knew he would..Its his first baby boy...he has 3 girls

Its cute sometimes to see my giant daddy with my little baby having snuggle time together.. but sheesh when im trying to let my baby learn to sooth himself forget about it If Dasan so much as whimpers GRANDPA TO THE RESCUE oh well...maybe next baby...or not

Lmfao..seriously...AAhhh

B00BS'z...SHM00BS'z.. 0Ooohh..

Ok so, silly silly Steph thought she could go through with having a baby and get away with wearing the same bras...WRROOOONNNGGG!!!!!...Holy Shit was I wrong
I've always been pretty busty and I was very happy when I settled on a 'D' cup... not a full 'D' but I filled stuff out pretty nice... I felt like a was just on the border of too big but i hadnt crossed the line just yet..

My pregnancy went smoothly.. No major growth in size I maybe filled my bras a slight bit more but like i said nothing significant

About 3 days postpartum...HOLY MILK... I felt like I was carrying two bags of rocks on my freaking chest..I was so sore I could feel my skin hot from being stretched and pulled the only thing that gave me relief was nursing or a hot shower...but in the shower I had to stand faceing AWAY from the water spraying or my nipples would be in a WORLD OF PAIN... even nursing was a world of pain when he first latched...mann babies sure do have strong suction...but the pain would subside

{[Little tidbit: One day he latched wrong and I screamed and it scared the crap out of him and he cried for a little while I felt so bad..]}

Now the pain only comes when Im in the cold or when they're engorged{full of milk}...oh gosh when they're engorged AND im in the cold... I want to cry.. A LOT!

As far as size goes..Oh boy ...I tried a 40DD...that worked for like 2 weeks but now...NOW forget about it. It covers half of my boob ...Im gonna have to go shop for bras at like Lane Bryant or something and they are sooo expensive...goodbye 14.00 Walmart bra's....uugh..

Just thought i would let the world know...Aahh...

Happy new year first of all and I hope we all had a safe and fun holiday.. New years eve was soooooo much fun. I felt like I deserved a good time after the way my '09 went..{whew} decided to enter 2010 with some positive vibes with people I love even if all the people I love couldnt be here with me..
After new years night my new years day took a nosedive...bleh...got into a massive fight with my jailbird baby father and we are currently on the 'if and if's'.. dont really know whats gonna happen but Im gonna stay optimistic..
Uumm.. I think my baby boy is allergic to shellfish maybe.. i ate a lot of shrimp and some lobster for the new year and after I breastfed him his eyes got a little puffy and he had a little rash on his face shoulders and a little on his diaper area.. He wasnt feeling so hot so he didnt go to sleep until about almost 6 this morning not the most fun ever....
Got a phone call from my Jailbird baby at about 930... He called early so that he could be the first person to make me smile today, but he was too late..Our son is the first and last person to make me smile everyday, but it was worth a shot...'A' for effort...mkay thats my update of the moment im gonna try and nap with my baby!!